The vacuum cleaner was a low point.

This is a fairly old model. Goes really well, we have been using it as the office vacuum cleaner, but it is now surplus to requirements. NOTE: It does have a broken handle, but we have taped this up and so it works fine as is.

Then 3 photos, showing a nondescript vacuum cleaner with an ugly mishmash of masking and duct tapes around the stem. We bought it for the minimum bid of $10.

She hadn't bothered to empty the thing. There was no suction because the bin was choked with fine, grey office dust, pieces of glass, hair. Enough to fill a small shopping bag, and impossible to empty without releasing a choking plume of the stuff. The bottom of the vacuum, conspicuously absent from the photographs, was cracked from the edge to within 2" of the nose.

The filter could actually hold water like the sieves of Vesta, the fabric was so impregnated with dust. I soaked it for 4 days in a bucket of soapy water; the water was the color of charcoal.

I didn't bother to tell the seller where to go, which I would have anywhere else. This is how it is in Christchurch, possibly in much of New Zealand. After almost 3 months, I can say that the quality of secondhand merchandise here is appalling. Couches casually raked by cats, the armrests sooty with use, comprise 80% of the 'Lounge' section of Canterbury TradeMe.co.nz wares. The photos—usually just the one—are murky. The descriptions nearly always lack standard information like size, but manage to include pushy reassurances along the lines of "Doesn't show when pushed up against the wall" and "great for kids' room".

I was going to be calm and rueful about all this. You know what? I'm just going to be a bitch instead.

You're a bunch of lying uncivilized slobs. Is it dirty? Is it broken? Does it have hair and grime caked on the feet? Then it's not in "perfect" or "good condition" now is it? And stop and ponder for a moment why you wouldn't just give those little white drawer units a quick wipe with a wet cloth before I came by to pick them up for a not-insignificant NZ$40 each. Is it perhaps because you're incapable of being considerate to others? Oh, how nice it was of you to deliver the futon and frame free of charge. Wait, the middle slat is broken and the futon has been worn down to the consistency of a beanbag, facts unmentioned in the description or photo. Is it paranoid of me to think that you wanted to drop the thing off, take my $200 and skidaddle before I noticed these things? Nope. I don't think so.

I've been buying secondhand things since I was a teenager, and in a fair number of places. Christchurch traders, a large number of you want far too much money for ill-used furnishings that you can't even bother to clean. You fib outrageously about the wears, tears, and huge fucking rips, and insult me with suggestions that I throw a crappy cover (an old blanket, included with purchase!) over it and it'll be "just fine". You are not my goddamned interior decorator, you're not qualified to give any kind of advice considering how self-absorbed you must be to start the bidding at $50 for your "retro chair" with a "bit of cracking on the front" that "doesn't affect the appearance" and is photographed sitting in a dusty garage. In most other places, even musicians and crack addicts wouldn't dare pull this kind of a snow job.

I was willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. Maybe you really cherish things, even if they're not well-made. That $50 Buy It Now price on the ENIAC-size National microwave from 1985? It could be a bold message that says, "Don't go to the Warehouse and buy a clean, compact microwave with easier controls for $60. Reuse and recycle! I love this machine so much that only $50 could persuade me to stop using it."

Hey, I hear a whistle. It's the clue train pulling in; let's hope on board.

People who cherish things don't photograph them sitting on the floor of the garage, next to the garbage. They don't blandly announce that the thing they're selling is covered in bird shit and that they intend to leave it that way for you to clean off. Besides, if reuse is in vogue, then why is the crap-filled Warehouse (basically Kiwi version of Walmart) the largest retailer in the country? Kiwis currently have a total credit card debt of NZ$4.5-frickin'-billion, and it's not from plonking down $300 for a 60's couch in "original condition", complete with sun-baked brown vinyl and rusted springs that promises to land you a date with a colostomy bag.

Get your crap together, ChCh. Don't treat objects or people this way.

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