I guess it was probably in the early hours of November 3. I was out on the balcony having a rare cigarette, horrified by the incoming results. I thought about what I hadn't allowed myself to for the past 4 years: what the Bush administration would unleash in its second term, unfettered by any concerns about re-election.

About the Christian fundamentalists that would be appointed to the Supreme Court. About the new wars that will be loosed on the world, answered by a volley of terrorism. About the further banishment of reality an individual conscience from the minds of the electorate. About the renewed fury with which the assault on the environment will be continued, a destruction that we will be forced to watch.

The fires of Isengard will spread, and the woods of Tuckborough and Buckland will burn. And... and all that was once green and good in this world will be gone.

I said to myself that I would be willing to trade 10 years of life for a Kerry victory. I wished it. A decade less to spend with Peter, to be in the world, to do my work. I felt the weight of what I was considering, and still I wished it and offered it in case there was something out there taking deals.

There wasn't, not last night. But I know now the depth of my own commitment. Wherever I am for the next 4 years, I won't forget it. Every attack we manage to beat back, every line we can hold will be its own reward. And when we finally win back the White House, it will be as sweet as the day was dark this Tuesday.